Nurse enters
NURSE: Miss Maclean will see you now.
PATIENT: Thanks.
Nurse exits. Dentist enters.
DENTIST:Ah, hello Mr. Roberts. How are you today? Feeling frisky?
PATIENT: Ahaha. Not terribly.
DENTIST: Well, I'm sure we'll soon sort that out. Just take off your clothes – coat, yes, that’s right, and jump into the chair.
PATIENT: Er . . . right. (does so)
DENTIST: Open wide. Wider. Hmm. It's that cheeky little left molar, isn't it?
PATIENT: Uhuh.
DENTIST: Looks like it's gone bad. Very bad. When was the last time you had a cock up? A check-up?
PATIENT: Ingh ungh.
DENTIST: Six months? Oh dear. You have been a naughty boy. You've been a naughty boy and it looks like now you're being punished. Wouldn't you agree?
PATIENT: Enh.
DENTIST: Say yes doctor.
PATIENT: Enh occha.
DENTIST: Gooooood. I suppose you haven’t been cleaning properly.
PATIENT: Noh heahry
DENTIST: Not really? Not at all, is what it looks like to me. You’ve been letting those nice white toothypegs of yours get dirty, haven’t you? And dirty little teeth, filthy little teeth are bad little teeth. (pokes mouth) Hmm?
PATIENT: Aaargh!
DENTIST:No pain no groin. Gain. That’s the dentist’s motto, Mr. Roberts. And like it or lump it is mine. There’s not much I can do for your renegade molar except give it a damn good drilling. OK?
PATIENT: Noh urghay!
DENTIST: Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. Do you like it, Mr. Roberts?
PATIENT: Gnoh!
DENTIST :Do you lump it?
PATIENT: Gnyeh!
DENTIST: Not so much lumping it as bricking it, I’d say. I think you could do with a little injection just to calm you down.
PATIENT: Gnoh!
DENTIST: Please don’t be alarmed, Mr. Roberts, plenty of my more nervous patients have been served very happily under the influence of this particular cocktail of barbiturates. I test it on myself regularly so I know it’s all right.
PATIENT: Hemghp!
DENTIST: Now you may experience some discomfort when the needle goes in … and when you wake up you may feel as though you’ve been rectally invaded, but don’t worry, that’s quite a common reaction.
PATIENT:Hechp mneee!
Nurse enters.
NURSE: Miss Maclean? Your next patient is here.
DENTIST: Oh dear. What a shame. I’m afraid your time is up, Mr. Roberts. No injection for you today. (Removes fingers from Roberts’s mouth)
PATIENT: (almost weeping with relief) Thank you … oh, thank you!
NURSE: I’ll show you out, Mr. Roberts.
DENTIST: Same time next week then?
PATIENT: Absolutely, darling.
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